A CLINTON FOR ALL OCCASIONS: Pantsuit Clad War Fanatic Hillary Clinton tries to find a role for her famous husband that doesn't involve highlighting fact that he's more fun than she is, shaming their family, or high profile sodomy.

FOOTBALL FUCK UP: Sam Brownback praises Colts quarterback Peyton Manning in deepest Wisconsin. Overlooked are other minor faux-pas in the life of senator Brownback such as birth, childhood, life leading up to present moment, haircut, total detachment from reality, creepy schitzo stare.

ROMNEY GETS PAPER: Mitt Romney, former governor of Massachusetts and sworn enemy of Xenu!, has the largest financial assets of any of the people currently running for president.

GRAVEL DOES NOT: Mike Gravel's Salon profile: "I'm poor, I'm angry, and I'm taking all of you fucks with me."

IT'S A SECRET TO EVERYONE: Fred Thompson meets with ultra secret Christian super villain group the Council for National Policy. The CNP allows no record of their meetings, and forbids discussion about what happens behind closed doors. Which would be disturbing, but all they talked about is that one episode of Roseanne that Thompson guest starred in.

TOO MANY THOMPSONS: Tommy Thompson, not to be confused with similarly hopeless Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson, has now declared that his statement in the Republican debates extolling the rights of employers to fire gays for being gay was a combination of a broken hearing aid, the flu, incontinence, Ron Paul's mind control device, and the Jews.

“Wait, what the senator is trying to say is that he's always secretly admired the Jews ability to control his mind, and he's a huge fan of the people of Israel.”